Alone Again Or
by tattva
Summary: Sirius can’t sleep, and he needs to with his NEWTs approaching! What’s keeping him awake? Sexy, angsty, and finally complete! Shounen ai [sbxrl], rating for casual swearing.
1. Alone Again Or

**Alone Again Or** by tattva Sirius can't sleep, and he needs to with his NEWTs approaching! What's keeping him awake? Shounen-ai sbxrl, casual swearing sometimes. I don't know if I should continue this: R&R please!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of J K Rowling's original characters, or anything Harry Potter-related. I do own Rebecca, Micha, and Ben, but that's not really any consolation. The lyrics at the start are from 'Alone Again Or' by Love, which I don't own either: if I did I'd have enough money to rescue Sirius from his mistreatment at the hands of the evil Ms Rowling.

Chapter One: Alone Again Or

_Yeah, I heard a funny thing  
__Somebody said to me,  
__You know that I could be in love with almost everyone.  
__I think that people are  
__The greatest fun,  
__And I will be alone again tonight my dear._

The pillow felt more like a rock with every second that Sirius' head lay upon it. The soft cotton sheets seemed to itch his pale skin no matter how he lay against them. He glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was 2:00 am, and he'd been trying to get to sleep for three hours. He turned over onto his back, quietly kicking the blankets onto the floor so as not to wake the others. It was always so very dark in the dormitory with the drapes drawn, but Sirius had left one of the curtains at the head of his bed open and a silver bridge of moonlight was illuminating the canopy. It's like this sometimes. Some nights, sleep comes so easily that the glorious moments on the knife-edge between consciousness and dreaming melt into nothing. Other nights she's more shy. She's scared of fear, of longing, of anxiety, and she'll play around your eyes but won't dare penetrate your mind. And you can't will yourself to sleep, that's when her narcotic power is at its most elusive. Flat on his back, staring at the velvet ripples above his head, Sirius knew this all too well.

He didn't even know what was keeping him awake. It was a Saturday night in the Easter holidays, so there were no exams or lessons to mar the coming day. He'd even done most of his assignments, which was an extremely rare occurrence. He hadn't fallen out with anyone: he, James and Remus had visited Hogsmeade in the afternoon. It had been a pleasantly warm April day, all blue skies and fluffy cotton-ball clouds, and they'd had lunch outside at the Three Broomsticks, before stocking up at Honeyduke's and Zonko's then returning to Hogwarts for dinner. In the evening, Remus had gone to the library to work, and, much to Sirius' horror, had taken James with him. It was true that his NEWTs were fast approaching, and unlike his OWLs Sirius had a niggling feeling that he might have to work for them. But it was futile to try and work on such a gorgeous evening. He'd taken a walk round the lake, and as a light wind whipped soft tendrils of dark hair across his face he'd tried to run through some potions in his head. It didn't work. Other thoughts kept jumping in the way, thoughts of long hot summers in his newly purchased London flat, and of starting training as an Auror in September. In a way, it was depressingly cyclical: none of that would happen if he failed his NEWTs and had to re-sit them over the next year.

As the sun began to sink away west, he had walked inside to the main hall, where he'd found his friends sitting with a large group of people drinking hot chocolate. Sirius recognised them all: there was Lily Evans and Rebecca Martin, two Gryffindor seventh-years with whom James shared Charms classes, Micha Lawrence, a Ravenclaw who took Transfiguration with them, and Ben Fisher, a Hufflepuff and Sirius' potions lab partner. Ben was sat on the table, all wild red hair and exaggerated gestures, and seemed to be telling a very amusing story.  
"What's so funny?" Sirius asked as he approached the table and sat down next to Remus. On seeing him, Ben's grin widened and he jumped down from the table.  
"Sirius, old chap!" he exclaimed, "Just the man I was looking for!" Sirius rolled his eyes; Ben usually took this tone when he'd invented a particularly accurate joke at Sirius's expense. Sirius gazed indifferently at the exuberant boy.  
"Yes?" he intoned, trying to humour the group even though he knew what was coming. Ben looked gleeful.  
"I got you a present," he smiled, holding out a paper bag to Sirius. Sirius reached in and drew out a small, bright red bicycle bell. James, obviously no longer able to control his laughter, burst into giggles and spilt hot chocolate on his Transfiguration notes, prompting a wave of laughing and clapping from the group. Sirius looked at Ben in mock disdain.  
"Now you can let the Hogwarts community know when their favourite mode of transportation is in the vicinity," he laughed, leading the table in another round of cackles and sniggers. Micha was trying but failing to keep her composure as Ben sat across from her, ringing the bell. Lily and Rebecca still seemed to be laughing at James' drink spillage, and James was almost bent double as he tried to rescue a particularly badly damaged page of writing on metamorphmagi. And Remus… Remus seemed surprisingly solemn. A small smile was playing on his lips, but he certainly wasn't half as amused by the joke as the others.

Sirius started. In the warmth of the dormitory he had nearly been asleep, but now he was wide-awake. He knew now what was bothering him. What he didn't quite understand was why it bothered him. He certainly was the Hogwarts bicycle, there was no denying it and he didn't see any reason why he should. It was generally agreed that life in the seventh year would be much more dull without discussion of Sirius' latest love interest or sexual conquest. No, what seemed to be bothering him was Remus' reaction. In anyone else he'd think it was jealousy, but Remus often made a point of disapproving of Sirius' exploits, although he usually found such jokes as funny as the next person. This time, though, he'd seemed sort of… distant. Why was such a reaction bothering him? Sighing heavily, he turned on to his side and buried his head in the feather quilt.

The next morning, Sirius awoke unable to breathe. When he opened his eyes he couldn't see either, everything was obscured by something grey against his face. Something grey and squishy…  
"Gerroffme!" he mumbled and kicked out blindly towards the edge of his bed.  
"Ow! Fucking hell, Padfoot, you got me right in the knee!" laughed a slightly hoarse voice next to him. Having removed the pillow from over his friend's head, James was limping back to his bed. Sirius glared at him. It was 10 o'clock; he'd gotten about five hours of fitful sleep. Sirius swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up woozily. Aside from James, who was gazing intently into the mirror as he made sure his hair was quite messy enough, the dormitory was empty.  
"Where's Moony?" Sirius asked, running a hand through the front of his hair, so that it fell over his face and obscured the offensive daylight from his eyes.  
"Shower," said James simply, "he said he'd meet us at breakfast at quarter-past." He glanced over at Sirius and then slipped on his shoes. "You'd better hurry up if you want to eat anything this morning. I'm going to meet Lily from the library and then go down. See you there, alright?" Sirius stared after him. James' relationship with Lily sure had made him organised. It took a lot of effort to get out of bed, but Sirius managed it after a few attempts, swaying slightly as he pulled on James' bright-orange Chudley Cannons dressing gown and headed off towards the Great Hall.

He arrived at the Hall before James, and his attire earned him a disapproving look from Remus as he sat down at the table. Rebecca Martin, with whom Remus had been discussing his Defence Against the Dark Arts dissertation, laughed as he slid into the chair. He gave her as a quizzical look. She smiled.  
"I hate to break this to you, Black," she said, "but orange really isn't your colour." Sirius gave her a flippant look and helped himself to a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea.  
"Mm, she's right you know, Padfoot," said Remus, idly thumbing through the morning's _Daily Prophet_. Sirius watched his friend as pale, thin hands gracefully turned each page. Remus was so different from himself. Sort of like a watercolour painting, beautiful in a washed-out way, all light brown and grey and purple and ivory. Sirius was still staring absently across the table when James arrived, hand-in-hand with Lily. Sirius awoke from his daydream with a start as James attempted to balance _Advanced Transfiguration_ on his head. The book slid off his messy hair as he looked up.  
"Yes, you can borrow my dressing gown," said James good-naturedly as he grabbed a slice of toast from a large plate and began to spread it liberally with chocolate spread. Trying to ignore the luvvie atmosphere that had descended next to him, Sirius drained the remainder of the milk from the cereal bowl. As he put it down on the table, Rebecca gathered up her books and stood up.  
"I'm off," she announced, stepping over the bench. "Are you coming to the library this afternoon, Remus?" Remus looked up from the paper and smiled softly.  
"I don't know," he said hoarsely, "I'm thinking of having a day off, maybe doing some preparation for tonight's festivities." He grinned, and Rebecca nodded and walked towards the stairs to the library. Sirius looked around, confused for a moment, but then he realised that today was James' 18th birthday. James had insisted on throwing a large party for anyone who was still around for the Easter holidays, and the planning seemed to have gone on for years.

A/N: I'll update in a couple of days if people are interested. I haven't written anything for ages, so please R&R! Cheers, Tattva x


	2. Watercolour

**Alone Again Or** by Tattva

For Disclaimer see Chapter 1. Very short filler, see note for why. I'll try and update properly soon!

Chapter 2: _Aside: Watercolour_

_I never understood watercolour paintings until I saw this one. I used to think they were a poor man's art, all pale and drab and lifeless. Give me vivid, violent streaks of purple, black as dark as deepest night, blinding sunshine yellow any day. But this one awoke me to their unique and subtle beauty. _

_What really struck me was the grey. How such a half-hearted excuse for a colour can portray so much emotion is beyond me. Sometimes it was dark like towering storm clouds, brooding and menacing, tinged with midnight indigo, an understated yet somehow blatant warning sign. Other times, it was almost white. Specks of light glittered joyfully across the most delicate shadows, like a diamond. And not only that, but the way the colour changed! It seemed to roll and shift under my very gaze, like a fast-moving sky or a deep and ancient river._

_The grey was set against ivory. Clean, simple, refined, like the keys on a piano, yet never so hard and plain. The background was somehow soft, as if when I touched it my hands would always be too rough and tear it, taint it. It wasn't perfect. There were flecks of camel and fawn, cool purple and blue shadows, tiny thin streaks of pink. In no inch of it could you be bored by continuity. Here and there, strands of light brown interrupted it. They stood out like neon in a dark street, but were infinitely more mesmerising. So many shades were there, from rich mahogany to faint ash blonde. Light and shadow in sandy tones. To look was bliss. I could have looked forever. _

_But I can't. I think I might look strange. Stormy grey eyes, soft brown hair, blemished ivory features; all, to me, perfect. I never understood watercolour paintings until I saw Remus that day. _

A/N: Eek! I know it's short, but bear with me! Sorry to Siriusly Delusional- the next chapter is about 800 words longer than the first. I don't wanna post it until I've written chapter 4 though… I have exams approaching, y'know. Tattva x


	3. Realisation

**Alone Again Or **by Tattva

Disclaimer: See chapter 1. The word 'alcomaphrol' appears courtesy of my housemate Jo. It is a term which can be used for any alcohol, but is generally used for cocktails we've made and then forgotten what's in them.

Chapter 3: Realisation

The day was spent discussing decorations, concocting bizarre cocktails, and arguing over music. People came and went; in the afternoon James disappeared for a while and then returned with a disturbingly large bottle of absinthe, an early birthday present from Micha, apparently. At 4pm, Sirius realised that he still hadn't got dressed, and decamped to the bathroom to have a shower, glad to get away from the common room. Lily was being pedantic about some colour scheme or other, and James of course was agreeing to every word she said, while Remus was chatting to Ben (who had brought back the bicycle bell and was ringing it at ten minute intervals) about a band called The Time-Turners or something equally pathetic.

He threw the bathrobe on the floor and stepped into the stream of water. As hot rivulets ran down his face they felt like tears: tears of comprehension. It wasn't something that he'd seen coming, far from it. It's a very odd thing, to wake up one morning and realise that you're attracted to one of your best friends. Of course, it wasn't unusual for Sirius to be attracted to someone. It happened at least once a fortnight, often ending in a brief fling, or in rare cases a rejection along the lines of "No, you whore". But this seemed different. For one thing, it came with a whole set of complications, and awkwardness, and uncertainty. If he was certain that this attraction wasn't just a passing phase, and he couldn't even be certain of that yet, could he cope with rejection from so close at hand? Could their friendship cope? Could all the intertwined friendships around them cope? He would be forcing James to choose between him and Remus. He would have to sleep in the same dorm every night, probably lying awake thinking of all the might-have-beens. Sirius leant dejectedly against the tiled wall of the shower, trying to make the thin jet cover as much of his body as possible. The warmth distracted him from having to think. He had no idea whether Remus felt anything more than friendship for him.

"Stop dripping on my lab-book!"  
Ben had let Sirius into the Hufflepuff common room ten minutes earlier, much to his frustration, as he was now unable to finish his potions work. It also meant that the page on the problems of the Polyjuice Potion now was covered in blotches where Sirius' wet hair had dripped on it. Sirius wasn't sure why he told Ben. If it had been anyone else, he would have told Remus, but that was now impossible. So he told Ben.  
"Just kiss him," Ben said, still staring down at the page and drawing careful diagrams.  
"I can't do that!" Sirius retorted, "He's my friend!"  
"So?" mumbled Ben distantly, "Just get him drunk and kiss him. If he reacts badly, or doesn't react, or is awkward the next day, just say you were drunk and you're sorry. If he kisses back, then you'll know he feels the same way. There." Sirius squirmed in his seat, looking round for excuses.  
"I really can't. It'll ruin our friendship". Ben looked up, a surprised expression on his face.  
"It didn't ruin ours…" Sirius still didn't seem convinced.  
"That was years ago. I didn't know you that well back then. It's different with someone you've known for a while." Ben burst out laughing, so much so that it was a few minutes before he sat up straight, sighing and running a hand through his fringe.  
"What?" said Sirius.  
"That was at Christmas. You'd had far too much mulled wine and I couldn't be arsed to object."  
"Oh." Sirius sighed heavily and slumped forward onto the desk, earning a cry of outrage from Ben as damp black hair sprawled across his work. When Sirius didn't move, Ben kicked him on the leg. Sirius looked up irritably.  
"What?" he said coldly. Ben smiled.  
"Fuck off and get ready for the party," he grinned, "It starts in a few hours, and they'll be looking for you to help set up things." Sirius smiled humourlessly and traipsed out of the common room, ignoring the bemused glance at his dressing gown from a prim-looking girl.

It was gone 6pm by the time Sirius finally decided to get dressed, and the dorm was a hub of activity. It was almost impossible to find anything amongst the mess of paper chains, food and shot glasses, and the search for Sirius's favourite t-shirt became increasingly difficult as James tried to force him to taste-test various cocktails. He finally found the black and red shirt under a pile of paper cups and pulled it on, glancing briefly at his reflection before carrying a bundle of decorations down to the common room.

It was chaos here, too. Remus and Micha were stood on tables at either end of the room, holding a strand of bunting between them and magically pinning it to the ceiling. Rebecca and Lily were chatting animatedly to a group of rather flushed looking fifth years, whom Sirius suspected might have been treated to a little of Ben's absinthe. He glanced around once more, before downing his cocktail as he headed to the far corner of the room, where a record player had been set up. He checked his watch: 8pm. A group of sixth and seventh years were let in noisily through the portrait hole. Sirius smiled to himself and expertly slid a record out of its sleeve and onto the turntable. The needle went down as he began to stride back across the room towards James and Lily, as the first chords of 'Highway to Hell' boomed from the speakers.

The evening went with a bang: the mounds of Honeyduke's' sweets disappeared within half an hour of the third and fourth years arriving, and the alcohol had been running low until Micha disappeared with Rebecca for 20 minutes, and returned with several bottles of wine "for later". There had been some arguments regarding whether the lower years should be allowed alcohol, and when at about a quarter to midnight a Ravenclaw fifth year threw up in the fireplace, Remus insisted that everyone who wasn't a close friend of the birthday boy leave. By 12:30 the common room had emptied of all but seven tired, drunken, happy people. The smell of stale smoke and the sticky sweetness of alcohol and candy filled the air as the seventh years sat on the sofas and armchairs. Sirius earned himself a disgusted "tut" from Remus as he lit up a cigarette, using a discarded cup of cocktail as an ashtray, and as Ben opened a bottle of red wine from Micha's cellar James stood up woozily and cleared his throat.  
"No-one asked you to make a speech," mumbled Rebecca, resting her head against Sirius's shoulder. There were faint sniggers from the room as James stuck out his tongue and drained his glass, before rumpling his hair and looking round at the room.  
"Firstly, I'd like to thank Micha and Ben for their fansch- fantasch- brilliant selection of drinks" –cheers- "and Remus and Becca for the decorations and sweets" -more cheers- "and, of course, my good friend Padfoot for being a useless layabout who didn't even get dressed until five hours ago, never mind help out!" There were laughs from the room, and Ben pulled the bicycle bell from his pocket and began ringing it again. Sirius smiled drunkenly and threw a chocolate frog in his general direction. James cleared his throat again and the room quietened.  
"But lastly, I would like to thank my beautiful girlfriend Lily, without whom I would have never got permission for this, or have been organised enough to get it off the ground." He planted a sloppy kiss on Lily's cheek, while Ben stuck his fingers down his throat. "So is you'll all raise you glasses, please, to Lily."  
"To Lily," chanted the room at large, as Ben, Micha and Sirius took the opportunity to down their entire glasses of wine.  
"More alcomaphrol?" enquired Remus, uncorking a bottle of white wine and filling his and his friends' glasses. Slurs of "Mmm, fill 'er up" and "Ooh yeah" echoed around the room, and as Lily began to sip elegantly from her glass Sirius interrupted her.  
"There'll be no such sophistication here, if you don't mind, Lil," he smirked, idly resting his feet on the coffee table in front of him. "We're gonna play a game!" Lily rolled her eyes, Micha laughed and James and Ben heartily agreed while Remus protested resignedly.  
"What'll it be then?" Remus murmured, refilling his glass and fixing Sirius with a very sceptical look. Rebecca raised her head from Sirius's shoulder and sat up cross-legged on the sofa.  
"Moony has a point, y'know," she said. In response, Sirius slumped dramatically across the sofa, resting his head in her lap, and whispered, "And what's that?"  
"Get off me, you perv," she laughed, twitching her legs so Sirius nearly fell of the sofa. As he moved back to his comfortable corner, Ben put his head in his hands and laughed.  
"I think we ran out of drinking games a long time ago. Unless, of course, you have a new one?" Sirius smiled.  
"As a matter of fact, I do," he said, his dark eyes lighting up. "It's called 'I Have Never'."

It transpired that the basic rules of the game were thus: a person tells the rest of the room something that they have never done, and if anyone in the room has done it they have to drink. If no-one in the room has done it, the person who said it has to drink. They got into the swing of it quickly: the most fun was to be had when the action in question was of a personal nature. As the laughter died down from the previous turn, Ben rapped his glass on the table to get the attention of his friends.  
"I've got one," he slurred, swaying slightly as he looked around the room and grinned evilly. "I have never… woken up in bed with someone and not remembered how I got there!" There were shouts of laughter from the room, and Ben turned his gaze to Sirius, who was trying to avoid eye contact. As the room grew quiet, he looked up and groaned.  
"That's victimization, that is," he said, before taking a gulp of red wine from his glass as Lily tutted.  
"Well, if we're being honest…" said James slowly, as he too raised his glass. Lily looked at him in a horrified manner as he drank, then he turned round and smiled, "don't worry, it _was_ with you!" there was another round of giggles, and James earned appreciative smirks from Sirius and Ben. Lily took her turn next, and she seemed to have thought it out well. When she said "Aside from James, I have never had a crush on anyone in this room" there was a sharp intake of breath. Carefully avoiding each other's eyes, everyone in the room drank. The game continued: Neither Rebecca nor Lily had ever been to a rock concert, everyone except Micha had thrown up as a result of drinking too much (therefore Micha had to drink, bringing her one step closer to being unable to use that line again), and Ben, Micha and Sirius were the only people present who had kissed someone of the same sex. Rebecca victimized Lily, by announcing that she had never slept with James, and it emerged that no-one had ever dared do anything romantic in the Hogwarts library (Sirius had to drink again). After half an hour, Lily called it off.

"I don't know about anyone else," she yawned, "but I'm way too tired to carry on, and I know far too much about all of you to want to spend any more time here." She smiled softly and kissed James goodnight, before she and Rebecca headed off to the girls' dormitories. Micha and Ben made their excuses too, and staggered unsteadily but happily out of the portrait hole and off to the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff dorms.  
"We really ought to clean up this mess," mumbled Remus, looking slowly round at the chaotic common room. James stirred slightly from his position in a large armchair.  
"Well, Moony, I'd love to help," he slurred, "but I'm far too pissed." Sirius laughed as James struggled to stand up, then made his way towards the dormitory staircase, grabbing onto chairs and shelves to steady himself.  
"'Night Birthday Boy!" Sirius called after the swaying figure, before sinking back down into his corner of the sofa.  
"And I suppose you're too drunk to help, too," said Remus, glancing at Sirius before standing up and sweeping a few stray LPs off the table and back into their sleeves, stopping to wipe what looked like rum off the cover of Led Zeppelin III.  
"Of course not!" said Sirius brightly, standing up slightly shakily and picking up streamers from the carpet.

"I don't understand how you've had the coordination to do this", said Remus, vanishing stains from the thick carpet with a simple spell as Sirius wandered around the room picking up the few final plastic cups that were left on the floors and tables. He vanished the cups with a flick of his wand and sat down on the sofa next to Remus.  
"I can hold my drink," he smirked, placing an arm around his friend's shoulders. "It's been a good night."  
"Yeah, it has," said Remus quietly, "It's been fun. Apart from when that Ravenclaw girl threw up."  
"And when Micha spilt wine on my shoes."  
"And Ben scratching your Alice Cooper album."  
"Oh yeah," said Sirius, scratching his head absently. "Git. I'd forgotten about that. Still, I think a good time was had by all," he stated. "There's one thing that could have made it better though," Sirius murmured.  
"If you're talking about that blonde Hufflepuff girl then you've no chance, I heard her telling Becca she thinks you're a right slut and-" Remus' words were cut short as Sirius pressed his lips against his own. There were a few awkward seconds before Remus pulled away, looking shocked and confused. Sirius looked at the floor and said,  
"I'm sorry. I've had too much to drink. I'll go to bed now." But as he made to stand up Remus placed a hand on his knee, then kissed him again, running an ivory hand through Sirius' black hair. It seemed to last forever as their tongues moved gently against each other. When they broke apart, Sirius sighed, sad that it had to end. Remus stood up.  
"I don't care how much you've had to drink, or that it's very unlikely that you'll remember this tomorrow, but I've waited so long for that to happen, I couldn't just let it go. Goodnight, Padfoot," he mumbled, as he walked across the common room and up the stairs to their dorm. Sirius sat back on the sofa, still in shock.

A/N: Woo! I updated! Sorry it took so long, wouldn't let me log in for like 3 days. But now I have The Fear (exams) and may not be able to update for a while. Also, it's possible the next chapter will be the last, I don't want this to go on forever. Thank you so much to all my reviewers. If anyone feels like reading more of my stuff, go to my homepage and check out 'Ticket To Ride', a songfic published last year which has been known to make people cry. Cheers! Tattva x


	4. The Storm

Disclaimer: see Chapter 1

Chapter 4: The Storm

It was raining when Sirius awoke the next morning, last in the dormitory again. His head felt like it was full of cotton wool, and his hair was tangled and smelt of wine and cigarettes. He lay there for a few moments, calmly trying to piece together the previous night's events. He had drank a lot… they had played a drinking game… he'd helped Remus tidy up… oh my God! He had kissed Remus! Sirius' mind began to race… Yeah, that was right… and Remus had kissed him back… what had he said? He'd been waiting for that to happen… Yes! That was it! Sirius grinned from ear to ear as the events came flooding back… the nerves, the worries, and the gentle, safe feeling of kissing someone who you know and trust. He closed his eyes and smiled to himself again, tempted to burst out laughing at the warm, fuzzy feeling that had lodged itself in his chest. Then, much to the displeasure of his aching head, he swung his legs out of bed and threw on the nearest set of clothes that came to hand, before bouncing out of the dormitory towards the Great Hall.

"Good night, Black?" called Micha from the Ravenclaw table, where she was sitting gossiping with a group of seventh years Sirius had never spoken to. He gave her the thumbs up and carried on walking, heading over to the Gryffindor table. It was empty, and his good mood began to ebb away as he stared up towards the enchanted ceiling, where thick grey rain clouds rolled overhead, suffusing the hall with a dull light. He helped himself to several pieces of toast and marmalade, and a large cup of coffee. Rather than sobering him up, or curing his hangover, Sirius found that the coffee planted all sorts of unpleasant thoughts in his mind. Why was there no-one here? What had he said to offend people so much that they all wanted to get away from breakfast before he arrived? Had Remus changed his mind, and now regretted kissing him so much that he couldn't bear to be in the same room as him? He looked down sullenly at the table for a full ten minutes until a voice opposite him snapped him out of his daze.

"What's wrong with you this morning?" asked Micha, settling herself on the bench opposite and tossing her long, brown, curly hair over her shoulder.  
"Or are you just really, really hungover?" She smirked, pouring herself some pumpkin juice and taking an elegant sip from the glass. Sirius looked up and smiled. Detached from his friendship group by their different houses, Micha, like Ben, was someone relatively impartial in whom he could confide.  
"I don't know," he said absently, poking a knife deep into the marmalade jar. Micha laughed.  
"What, you don't know if you're hungover?" she said brightly. "Let me tell you, you obviously are. And you smell of wine." Sirius smiled humourlessly at her. Micha didn't get hangovers. They had dated for a while in fifth year, and Sirius had not once seen Micha look anything less than immaculate after a night out, no matter how debauched. Her expression softened though, as she looked at him more sincerely.  
"Seriously though, Sirius, there's something wrong, isn't there." It was less a question, more a statement, sort of 'I know there's something bothering you so don't waste both our time pretending there isn't, just tell me'. Sirius made a non-committal noise and Micha threw a handful of cornflakes at him. He looked up indignantly, then dipped a spoon in the marmalade and held it threateningly, as though about to catapult it across the table. They stared at each other for a few seconds, before both smiling.  
"Fine," Sirius muttered, putting the marmalade down and picking a few rogue cornflakes out of his fringe. "There's, er, this person I like, who I've kissed once, and I, er, haven't seen them since, and I don't know how I feel about them, or how they feel about me, and… and my head hurts," he finished lamely, looking down at the table and taking another swig of coffee. Micha sighed.  
"Sirius," she said calmingly, with the air of a person about to attempt a very tactful statement, "Do you like Remus? Don't interrupt me. Do you want to make something serious of this, or are you just looking for a bit of fun? How much do you like him?" Sirius stared across the table at Micha for a few moments, then closed his eyes. "I don't know," he said quietly. "Well, you need to decide," said Micha gently, picking up her bag and standing up, "He's too fragile for you to hurt." Micha walked away from the table, and Sirius watched as she turned out of the hall. He looked back down at his plate, feeling more confused than he ever had before.

It was a full half-hour before Sirius could summon the energy to stand up, and he walked slowly away from the tables into the entrance hall, with a vague notion half-formed in his mind of going for a walk in the grounds to clear his head. When he reached the entrance, however, he could see outside that the rain was coming down harder than ever, bouncing off the stone steps and leaving huge, deep puddles all over the pathways. He stuck his hand out of the door and allowed a few large droplets to fall on it, before turning back inside and starting off towards the library, feeling thoroughly depressed.

When he reached the library it was full of seventh years, all poring over dusty tomes of complicated potions or charms. He spotted James' untidy black hair across the sea of students, deep in whispered conversation with Lily, who looked very tired.  
"Morning, Padfoot," he whispered as Sirius sat down opposite him and peered across at Lily's notes, which she hurriedly shielded from view.  
"Morning Prongs, Lily," he muttered, leaning over to a bookshelf and grabbing a large book from the Defence Against the Dark Arts section. He opened it at a chapter about counter-jinxes and began to read slowly, trying his best to take in the information. _A good working knowledge of counter-jinxes is vital to the modern witch or wizard, however equally important are the disarming and shield charms, which can be as effective as a good jinx in obstructing an opponent…_ Sirius knew there was no use trying to revise defensive theory while so many other questions were flooding his mind. Where the warm, fuzzy feeling he had felt in the morning had been there was now what felt like a block of lead in his chest, dragging him downwards and making every breath feel like a sigh. He slammed the book shut with such force that Lily jumped, and the librarian, who was passing a nearby table, gave him a stern look of warning. James gave him a quizzical look.  
"Have you seen Moony at all today?" asked Sirius. James ran a hand through his hair and looked puzzled.  
"Now that you mention it, I haven't," he mused, scratching his chin with the end of his quill. "He wasn't in the dorm when I woke up, and he wasn't at breakfast either. You sure he went to bed last night?"  
"Yeah, he went up to the dorm about half an hour before I did," said Sirius quietly. "I think I might go and look for him." James smiled.  
"OK," he said quietly, frowning confusedly at the book in front of him. "But you know Remus, he's probably just found somewhere really, really quiet to work."  
"Yeah," mumbled Sirius, placing the book back on its shelf and tip-toeing out of the library.

The rain pounded the windows and strong winds rattled the frames and the trees outside as Sirius stalked miserably through the halls. He wished he still had the Marauders' Map, but with it locked away in the caretaker's office all he could do was try and think where Remus might be. He tried the transfiguration, charms and defence departments, Gryffindor tower, and checked the Great Hall again just to be sure. Micha gave him a half-hearted hug when he wandered into the Ravenclaw common room, but still insisted she hadn't seen Remus. In the cellars, a scruffy-looking Hufflepuff sixth-year told him that Ben was in no fit state to talk to anyone, having not got out of bed yet.

Sirius roamed dejectedly around the castle for a good half-hour, but did not see a glimpse of his friend. He knew, now, that Remus must be avoiding him. Hogwarts was a big place, sure, but his mood worsened with every empty room that he looked in. He reached the owlery tired and depressed, as the cold wind blew through the glassless windows, buffeting his hair and robes and bringing in washes of rain around each opening. The owls hooted mournfully, gathered together at the roof of the tower. He looked up at them for a moment, then drifted over to one of the open casements, gasping as the gale drove cold water across his face. Droplets caught in his hair and eyelashes, and he blinked quickly and shielded his eyes from the gusts, looking down into the grounds.

The view was good, here he could see all across the deserted, rain-swept landscape, the surface of the lake shattering like so many broken mirrors, the Whomping Willow huddling angrily in on itself, and in the distance, a small black figure, leaning against the wind as they walked around the far side of the lake. Sirius squinted. A small black figure with sandy brown hair. He left the tower at a run.

"Remus!" he yelled hoarsely as he raced around the lake, the rain now beating against his face and numbing his nose. No longer able to ignore him, Remus turned round. His hair was plastered across his face, and his robes were so heavy with water that they barely moved in the wind. He was shivering, his lithe hands turning blue as he clutched his sodden cloak around his thin frame.  
"W-what?" he asked quietly, shakily, looking intently at a spot inches to the left of Sirius' face. Sirius' expression softened as he saw his friend looking so bedraggled. He walked towards Remus and held out an arm, as if to lead him back to the castle to warm up, but Remus turned away, pulling his robes tighter to his chest.  
"What do you want, Sirius?" he asked coldly, still not looking his friend in the face. Sirius sighed confusedly, and walked round to face Remus, but again he turned away.  
"Look," said Sirius quietly, "Remus, you're soaked… let's just go back to the castle, you're shivering like mad-" But as he tried to place an arm round his shoulders Remus turned on his heel and walked away, further round the shores of the lake. Sirius looked round for a moment, for a reason for his friend's behaviour, and then set off after him, feet splashing in the mud and rivulets of rain running through his coal-black hair onto his cheeks.

"REMUS!" he shouted, almost running to catch up, "Remus will you stop? Please? What the hell is wrong with you?" Remus wheeled round at this looking almost wild as his sandy hair whipped around his face. But when he spoke it was in a low, trembling, dangerous voice.  
"What's wrong with me?" he said quietly, staring at the ground. Then he looked up into Sirius' eyes. "If you must know, Sirius, you're what's wrong with me." Sirius was quite taken aback.  
"But… but…" he stuttered, searching for understanding, "what have I done?" Remus sighed loudly.  
"It's not what you've done. Not that you'd know. It's who you are." He sighed again. "I don't know why I even bothered. Because what am I to you, anyway? What am I? I kissed you last night Padfoot, and while kissing random drunk people is something you do on a weekly basis you may have noticed I take these things more seriously. I meant it. Can you say that? Honestly? Have you ever taken a relationship seriously?"

Sirius looked up from the ground, grey-blue eyes wide open. He had never heard Remus this emotional. And it was all his fault.  
"I don't know," he said quietly, watching the rain drip heavily from the trees overhead. Remus smiled humourlessly.  
"And what did it mean to you, when I kissed you?"  
"Remus, I don't know – I – " he stammered, and looked up into Remus' eyes.  
"Well when you do know, come and find me," he said bitterly, still shivering in the cold April wind. "I won't just be another conquest, Sirius, I won't be another notch on your bedpost. If you decide this is anything but drunken lust, come and talk to me then." He turned on his heel and strode off towards the castle, leaving Sirius bewildered for the second time that weekend.

A/N: Oh my god I'm so sorry bout the lack of updates! I went to Eastern Europe for the summer and now I've broken my wrist! Anyhow, I wrote this before I left, so here's something to tide you over until I get my arm back. Oh, and to N. Beresford: I qualify Peter not being in this cos it's the Easter holidays. Tattva x


	5. Escape

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Chapter 5: Escape

He stood by the lake for what seemed like an age, watching Remus walk away from him. The rain wasn't easing up at all, and the sky was darkening with the setting sun, glowing deep red in the west. Sirius frowned to himself and knew this wasn't a night to be spent in the library or common room. He traipsed towards the entrance hall, drying his clothes and hair with a quick charm as he walked through the thick oak doors. He stopped. The castle, home for so long, felt like a gloomy prison around him. Looking left and right, Sirius saw nothing but emptiness. He strode away through winding corridors, up staircases, past classrooms and offices and dormitories, everywhere was empty, everyone was huddled in the warm of their common rooms. On reaching his destination, he looked around one last time, then took out his wand and tapped the statue of the one-eyed witch.  
"_Dissendium_", he muttered under his breath, then slid his slender frame through the gap which had appeared and down into the tunnel.

He snuck through the cellar of Honeyduke's with no problem: this route into Hogsmeade was second nature to him now, all the little details of which stone to move, how to unlock the doors without setting off the intruder charms, resisting the urge to taste test the shop's merchandise. He ran through the deserted, rain-swept streets and into the cosy warmth of the Three Broomsticks, where he settled himself into a booth near the back of the pub. The place was practically empty. Sirius sighed heavily as he swept his damp hair from his face and lit up a cigarette, his sad, dark eyes lit up for a moment in the flare of the match. For what seemed like an age he just sat there, smoking and staring down at the table, until a manicured hand appeared in the side of his field of vision, white hands with perfect red nails clasping a glass of deep amber liquid.

The hands were attached to a girl only a few years older than Sirius himself, her womanly figure clad in an elegant black skirt and top, with a black apron around her waist. Her red lips and earrings were perfectly matched to her red stilettos. She set the glass down on the table in front of Sirius, and he looked confusedly from the girl's face to the glass and back again.  
"I didn't order a firewhiskey, Rosmerta," mumbled Sirius, stubbing out his cigarette and reaching into his pocket for another. Rosmerta smiled.  
"I know, Sirius, I know," she said calmingly, "but you looked like you could do with a stiff drink. It's on the house." She smiled softly then sashayed back towards the bar, her short mahogany hair bouncing elegantly. Sirius sighed heavily then downed the whiskey in one, feeling it burn in his throat and tingle in his stomach. He drew gracefully on the cigarette and watched the smoke curl in tendrils towards the ceiling, before looking round furtively and tapping his glass with his wand, watching it magically refill itself. He'd been thrown out of pubs for using the same charm many a time, but he suspected that Rosmerta, the daughter of the landlord, had given him a glass that wouldn't give him away.

The evening passed quickly in a haze of smoke and liquor, and Sirius sat quietly staring down at his hands, wondering what to do. Remus was right. He didn't know what he wanted. He never knew. Everyone seemed wonderful and perfect when he wanted them, when he watched them across the hall, when they first kissed. And he didn't know why, but he always got bored. There was always someone more perfect, more beautiful to move onto. He didn't mean to hurt people. He didn't know why people let themselves get involved with him. He was hopeless. Remus was right, people were just conquests, just additions to the list. He didn't mean it to happen like that. And he couldn't let it happen to Remus. This guy was one of his closest friends. He couldn't help his attraction. He never expected it to be reciprocated so fervently. But the fire and anguish in Remus' eyes made him think – what did all this mean to him? Had he ever felt like this before? His chain of thought was interrupted by a voice, soft and deep and sensual.

"Sirius?" said Rosmerta gently, leaning on the table, "we're closing up now. Do you want to stick around?" Sirius nodded silently, and Rosmerta smiled and walked off, locking the doors and putting out the candles at the front of the pub. She poured herself a glass of red wine and then walked back to Sirius' table, sliding into the booth opposite him and crossing her legs, sipping elegantly at the dark liquid in her glass. Sirius downed another shot of whiskey. Soon they were both talking quietly but animatedly, pulling on cigarettes and leaning back into the soft velvet of their seats. Rosmerta sat up in her seat, perfect bob now slightly dishevelled, and fixed Sirius with a penetrating gaze.  
"Tell me what was wrong with you when you came in tonight," she purred, "who are you moping over this time?" Sirius looked at the table then at his companion, and smiled sadly.  
"Well, there's this guy," he started, as Rosmerta raised a well-groomed eyebrow, "and we've kissed once but I don't know where to take it." He stopped for a second, looking at the beautiful young woman opposite him. "I'm not sure it matters now," he said.  
"I'm sure it doesn't," said Rosmerta, smiling wickedly. Sirius felt one of her scarlet-clad feet run up the side of his leg, and felt a shiver run though his inebriated frame.

They stumbled up the stairs, shoes and shirts left in a trail behind them. Their hands were all over each other, caressing each other, she entangling her hands in Sirius' long, dark hair. At the top of the landing he pushed her against the banister and kissed her roughly, urgently, wrapping his arms around her slim waist and taking in her heady perfume. She moaned softly, and pushed him across the landing into her bedroom.

The ceiling above Sirius's head swam into focus: he was in a brightly lit room, with the sun streaming in through the window. For the second day, his head was throbbing. He turned over and jumped: he was lying next to a girl he only vaguely knew. Inwardly he cursed himself. Outwardly, he groaned loudly and covered his face with his hands, wishing wholeheartedly that the soft feather bed would swallow him up. To his horror, Rosmerta then turned over and said,  
"Oh, was it really that bad?" Sirius groaned again, but to his relief Rosmerta then began to laugh, and proffered him a cigarette, which he gladly accepted.  
"I've utterly fucked up, Rosmerta," he said dejectedly as they lay next to each other staring at the ceiling. She asked him how and he continued, "I don't want to lead you on. I really, really like this guy and now I feel terrible about how hurt he'll be when he finds out about this. I'm really sorry." Rosmerta smiled brightly.  
"I think that Remus will forgive you in time, Sirius," she said soothingly, "but do you realise what this is you're feeling?" Sirius looked at her quizzically and she sighed. "It's remorse, Sirius. Regret."

Realisation dawned on Sirius. Remorse. He couldn't just move on from Remus to the next pretty girl or guy that came along. He cared too much. And that was what was different. Rosmerta smiled as Sirius jumped out of bed and threw his clothes on. She followed him to the door in a black silk dressing gown, and grinned as he kissed her on the cheek before leaving in a hurry, running down the main street yelling "Thanks!" behind him. Rosmerta smiled as she watched him depart.  
"Any time, kid," she murmured, before shutting the door.

A/N: Hahah! He's such a whore! And I love it. Sorry to anyone who doesn't share my vision of Sirius as a licentious, chain-smoking alcoholic, but that's the way it's gotta be. But what's he gonna tell Remus? Teehee. Tattva x


	6. Take It or Leave It

Disclaimer: See chapter 1. Also, the Lyrics to "Destroy Everything You Touch" belong to Ladytron, not me.

A/N: OK, OK, I'm updating damnit! Sorry it took so long, Black-Moon-Goddess, but I do have a broken wrist to heal and lectures to attend. Geez! By the way, this is the last chapter. And there will be slight fluffiness, which goes against my nature but hey. This story was never meant to be so long! Also, I don't know _what_ happened in the last chapter! One minute he was drowning his sorrows, the next he was sleeping with someone he barely knew! Actually, that's happened to me…

Chapter 6: Take It Or Leave It

_What you touch  
__You don't feel,  
__Do not know  
__What you steal._

_Destroy everything you touch, today,  
__Destroy me this way.  
__Anything that may desert you,  
__So it cannot hurt you._

"You WHAT?" shouted Ben, stepping away from his cauldron and staring incredulously as Sirius sat at the bench with his head in his hands.  
"Please, please, please, Ben, shut up!" he mumbled, letting his head fall onto the table. After returning to Hogwarts Sirius couldn't face going to Gryffindor tower, so had showered in the Hufflepuff bathrooms and borrowed some of Ben's clothes, before heading to the dungeons for some Potions revision. His head was throbbing and there were dark circles around his grey-blue eyes. Ben had been sympathetic until Sirius had explained the true reason he had been out all night. Now he was pacing around the empty dungeon, running his fingers distractedly through his red hair.  
"I'm sorry, Sirius, but I just don't understand," he said sceptically, "I mean, at what point did shagging Rosmerta seem like a good idea? Actually, scratch that, I don't think I want to know." He sat down at the bench next to Sirius, who was moaning softly into his hands.  
"I don't know," said Sirius quietly through his fingers, "she was just so attractive, and I was really, really drunk, and I just wanted to escape from this whole mess." He sighed. "I've totally screwed up, haven't I?" Ben scratched his chin and poured a few drops of bubotuber pus into the cauldron.  
"It depends, really," he said thoughtfully, "are you going to keep doing this?" Sirius looked up curiously.  
"Doing what?"  
"This!" said Ben agitatedly, "Moving from one person to another just to try and escape from the fact that your feelings are trying to tie you down! Hiding in other people's common rooms because you're too ashamed to show your face to your friends! Abusing yourself! Hurting people!" Sirius looked up from the desk, his tired eyes wide and bright, then looked down miserably.  
"I can't help it," he said softly and sadly. Ben sighed and put an arm around his friend's lean shoulders.  
"Shit, man, I'm sorry," he muttered, "I didn't mean that to come out that way. It's just, you could have things so much better than this. You don't have to hurt people before they hurt you." Sirius looked confused. "Oh don't give me that misunderstood look. Take yesterday. You were so afraid of losing Remus that you had to go and cut him loose before he could hurt you. It took you less than 24 hours to jump into bed with someone else!" Sirius sighed.  
"It's just who I am," he murmured, "don't think I don't hate myself right now, because I do, I feel absolutely terrible. And I want to sort things out with Remus, I really do, but it's so hard. I mean, what am I going to tell him?"  
There was a silence in which Sirius stared blankly ahead of him, and Ben sat bewildered, never having seen his friend so emotional before. Sirius wasn't emotional like this, he was blasé and aloof, good humoured and fun but at the same time distant and detached. Ben had realised that his friend wasn't lascivious and indifferent, just trying to cope with things in a rather fucked-up way. Ben sighed heavily.  
"You just gotta tell him, mate," he mumbled. "Just come clean.  
"I know," replied Sirius, "I just hate to think how he'll take it."

It was lunchtime when Sirius managed to gather the courage to leave the potions labs, and wandered into the great Hall in a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt each a size too big for him, his hair swinging forward in an attempt to cover his tired eyes. He spotted Remus at the Gryffindor table, along with James, Lily and Rebecca. He saw Micha sat talking to Ben at another table; as he passed she caught his eye and winked, and he immediately began to panic about who else the rumour had reached. He tried his best to be nonchalant as he sat down with his friends, but his weary face must have given him away. James, who was sat next to him, immediately poked him in the arm with a fork and said,  
"Oi, Padfoot, where were you last night?" Sirius helped himself to mashed potato and sausages and said quietly,  
"Nowhere, just out." James raised his eyebrows and went back to his food, seeing that his friend was in no mood for conversation. They ate in silence, apart from a few polite remarks about the weather or the day's news headlines. Rebecca finished her meal first, and said to Lily,  
"I'll meet you back in the common room, I'm just going to go and see if I can borrow Micha's transfiguration notes from last term." Sirius watched as the blonde girl walked over to the Ravenclaw table, and sat down, while Ben started chatting animatedly. Then Rebecca looked at Sirius across the hall and shouted,  
"You're fucking kidding me!"  
The whole table turned around, and Sirius finished his food and stood up, making to leave.  
"Er, Sirius?" said Remus quietly, standing up from the table, "Could I speak to you for a bit?"  
"Sure," muttered Sirius anxiously, and the two of them walked quickly out of the hall together as Lily and James walked towards the Ravenclaw table to hear the gossip.

They sat down on a bench in a deserted hallway, each looking as awkward as the other. Remus looked down at his feet and then swept his fringe away from his face and looked at Sirius, who looked distinctly uncomfortable. He cleared his throat.  
"I'm really sorry about yesterday, Padfoot," he said quietly, still looking at Sirius, who was staring intently at a mark on the wooden floor. "I was tired and hungover and I let my worries run away with me. I didn't mean to say that you were capricious, or insincere. I shouldn't have treated you so badly".  
"Oh god, Remus, I need to tell you something," said Sirius uneasily, but Remus interjected,  
"No, hear me out. I know you've been fickle in the past and that you don't take these things as seriously as I do, but I shouldn't have overreacted. I shouldn't have implied that you can't be serious about people."  
"Please, Remus, listen-"  
"Will you just shut up for a minute? I was just afraid that you wouldn't understand how I feel about you, that you'd just jump into bed with the next person who came along,"  
"Remus-"  
"And that I'd just be some guy you kissed at a party. But I've thought about it, Padfoot, and you looked so earnest yesterday. If you don't know how you feel, I can wait until you decide, you know? And it's-"  
"For fuck's sake, Moony, SHUT UP!" shouted Sirius, now standing with his brow furrowed and running a hand distractedly though his fringe. "I slept with Rosmerta." Remus frowned slightly, then looked up confusedly.  
"So what?" he said. "You also slept with Micha, and Lauren, and Mike, and Dawn, but that's gone by, right? What difference does that make?" Sirius groaned loudly, and put his head in his hands.  
"No, Remus," he said softly, "I slept with Rosmerta last night. That's where I was all night." He didn't need to uncover his eyes to hear Remus' footsteps as he walked away in disgust.

Sirius hurried down the corridor after his friend. He had to sort this out, he couldn't keep going on like this. He shouted to Remus to stop and Remus wheeled around, looking wild and tearful.  
"What is wrong with you, Sirius?" he shouted, his voice cracking. "Ugh, to think I just _apologised_ to you! I really thought that this time you might just care about someone other than yourself, but clearly I was wrong. What was it, I wasn't going to shag you that night so you had to find someone who would as quickly as possible? I care about you so much that it hurts all the time, but that wasn't enough for you, was it? You just had to go and rip a few more ragged pieces from my heart! Shit, I _hate_ loving you!" He closed his eyes and turned round, and Sirius stood dumbstruck as he walked away. _Loving me?_

"Remus, please, I'm so, so sorry" shouted Sirius, now struggling to keep up as Remus paced along the corridor. He broke into a run and managed to catch up, grabbing his friend by the arm. Remus didn't look up.  
"Let go of me, Sirius," he said quietly.  
"Not until you promise you'll hear me out," said Sirius, gripping Remus' arm more tightly.  
"Just let go of me."  
"Will you listen to me, and not run off again?"  
"Let me go, Sirius," said Remus dangerously. Sirius sighed.  
"I'm not going to ask you to forgive me, Remus, just to let me say this." He let go of his friend's arm. Remus took a few paces backwards but didn't leave, just stood with his head down, looking at Sirius with bloodshot, stormy grey eyes through strands of sandy, dishevelled hair. Sirius allowed himself a brief piece of hope, and stepped closer to Remus, but Remus again stepped away.  
"Fine," he muttered, running a hand through the front of his hair and steeling himself for what had to be said. "Remus, I really, really like you," he started, "and not just as a friend. You're more than that. So much more. And I realised last night that I care for you so much that when I'm with someone else it hurts, because they're not you." Remus was eyeing him sceptically. He continued, "I can't promise I'll feel like this forever. Forever is a long time, Remus, and you know I'm fickle. And who knows what the future's gonna bring?" He had been staring at the floor, but now he looked up, and took in all the watercolour beauty that he had come to love. His eyes were dark and sad. "It gets darker every day," he mumbled, almost to himself. Then he spoke again, suddenly fortified by a new idea. "The thing is, Remus, all we have is what's here, and all we can do is live for the now. And what I can promise is that right here, right now, I have never felt like this about anyone." Sirius sighed deeply and closed his grey-blue eyes, trying to stave off having to hear his friend's reaction. "That's all I can say, Remus," he said quietly. "Take it or leave it."

He opened his eyes. Across the hall, a beam of sunlight was glimmering through the window, between himself and Remus. He looked at his friend, and saw to his astonishment that the beginnings of a small, tender smile were playing across his pale pink lips. Sirius barely had time to smile back before Remus threw his arms around him and Sirius melted into the embrace, burying his head in Remus' soft hair and feeling a tear of joy run down his cheek as he realised that this was what happiness was all about. He smiled and hugged Remus tightly to him, and struggled not to laugh jubilantly as they kissed, bright sunlight shimmering on ebony and gold, and knew that whatever happened, this moment was for keeps.

E N D

A/N: Eeeeeeee! Aw bless, it all works out in the end, despite Sirius being such a slag! Well actually it doesn't, their relationship is eventually torn apart by their own doubts and Sirius, confined to Azkaban, goes twelve long years unable to remember the happiest moment of his life. But they're happy for now, and like Sirius said, the now is all we have. Thanks to all my reviewers, you've kept me going and guilt-tripped me into updating regularly at the expense of my degree. I hope you'll read the next story I post, or maybe even check out my other work or some of my favourite stories via my homepage. Thanks again! Tattva x


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